The people along the way: Week 5 - My older brother

It’s a bit saddening to think that this is the end to this mini-series, I’ve truly loved sharing the stories of the people who have impacted my life. And I deeply appreciate every person that took the time to read these articles. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this last article will focus on my older brother.

I have mentioned my brother a handful of times in the five years that I have done my work. I’ve always mentioned him as my “why” for the mental health work I do. When I doubt my work and the things I do, I think of my brother and me as kids, and I am reminded of the importance.

My brother and I circa Dec 2001

There are thousands of lessons and stories I could share about my brother. Like how he taught me how to ride a bike or tie a shoe. I could talk about the times he stayed up helping me with my homework only to neglect his own, or how he would always stay after track practice with me teaching me better techniques. Not only is my brother my role model, but he is also my best friend. I have never met anyone more selfless, humble, loving, and kindhearted than my brother. I strive to be even an ounce of the person he is.

I could also talk about all the challenges my brother and I faced growing up. I could talk about the hurt or the pain that we felt in our own lives throughout our childhood. But I find that narrative to be a great disservice to the person that he is today.

Today, we’re driving a few hours west to the Olympic Mountains on a road trip with his wife, her sister, and his best friend. Today, my brother works a job he loves, making more money than he could’ve imagined as a kid. Today, my brother is happily married to an amazing woman that I am blessed to call a sister-in-law. At the start of this mini-series, he was in France with his wife visiting her family. I’ll stand by my statement that the happiest day of my life was when he got married. Truthfully nothing makes me more emotional than watching him be surrounded by people that love him and cherish who he is and what he brings into the world. My brother is the wisest most caring soul I know. But out of every lesson, every story, and every moment, one thing about him sticks out above the rest: he worked for a peaceful life.

He wanted to build a life full of peace. Traveling, loving work, being married, and having such great friends are things we couldn’t fathom as children. My brother never cared to scream his story off a rooftop, and while many can say that is privileged and selfish, he chose to stay in the back and sacrifice the little he had to ensure that I could live a life where I could follow my dreams, passions, and virtues. And while clearly, it has turned out great for the two of us so far, my brother’s humility, care, and love for me, and others, at such a young age is something I won’t ever take for granted.

In my experience, a lot of us focus on the physical things in this world. We care about how we’re perceived, what we post, what we say, we care about the credits and classes we take, we get upset about the small things, and only strive for big things, we throw around words as if they have no depth of meaning, we crave our own self-image - we want success. Even in the non-profit realm, there is always competition to have the best organization, to have the best solution, to have the best team, or the best approach to mental health. Mental health can be an uniter, and yet sometimes we use it to be a divide. In our effort to destigmatize mental health, we stigmatize it further.

In our desire to do good, we begin to believe that our way to do good is the only way to do good.

Truth is, while I could try and write a series of all the things I overcame or accomplished, I’d be neglecting a large portion of what I have actually learned. There are a handful of things I could reflect on; the challenges of being an activist ever since 15 years old, the difficulties of going to a university that I don’t feel academically qualified to be at, the hardship of being a mental health advocate without throwing my family under the bus, how hard it is to hear heartbreaking stories within research, the effects of my own culture in my work, being religious in mental health, etc. These things however can be summarized in the lessons that people have taught me along the way. The outcome of all these stories rests in the people I have spoken to, the stories I have heard, and the lives of countless individuals. While it may be exciting to talk about what I have done, I want to try and highlight what others are doing. I’m human and won’t ever be able to do this perfectly. I’m human and I am bound to make many mistakes that will affect others.

I often will look at my brother and see him shine with humility. He didn’t sit aside in silence, he chose to help me build my own foundation so that I may find my voice to speak. I wish I could tell his story, but if that is not his wish, then who am I to stop him? All he ever wished for was a happier life. When I was younger I thought that you had to be great to be worthy. What I realized along the way is that you are already worthy of being great. And perhaps the greatest thing we can do is take the time to reflect on the people who have impacted our lives along the way.

When we come into conversations with the intent to teach instead of listening, we already lost the chance to make a connection. When we think that our way is the best way and the only way, we limit the chance to connect, learn and hear from others. When we view mental health as a topic in need of “solutions”, we limit it to only being a problem. I research how mental health is defined across cultures and backgrounds, and in the many conversations I have had, I have learned that “mental health is a journey”, it is “a mindset, my [your] ability to grow”, it is “the opportunity to see hope”, it is “an inner recognition of the self, so that you may help others too”. (Quotes of interviews I have conducted).

Inner change is not something to push aside. My dream has always started with my brother. And it has grown to exist through the many individuals I have interacted with in my life - hence this entire mini-series. We cannot jump to global change without intentional conversation and connection with individuals from our own families, circles, and communities. We cannot do these things if we believe that our thoughts are the only truth. And we cannot be willing to listen to others if we do not listen to ourselves. Change starts within you, from the moment you choose to reflect, accept and grow, change will occur - not just in you but in the people around you. Then, in consequence, the people around them. Acceptance starts with the self and then becomes a chain reaction in others.

My brother took the time to see what mattered to him, he worked hard, and carried the best mindset he could through his mental health struggles, he found his own family in the people around him. He worked hard for the life he could barely dream of having. And he did all of this while loving and supporting me and many others.

This is not to say he hasn’t struggled; we both have. But I hope my brother’s perspective on life is clear: it is not about the big problems or big goals. Our perspective around life changes within us, and it is not dependent on how well we do things. To strive for inner change produces external change. Remember, you don’t need to find your voice but must recognize it has always been within you.

When we listen to the people and world around us, we allow unity and connection to happen. You don’t have to agree with everything you listen to. But equality is giving respect to everyone, even your enemy. And when that is too hard to do, the least we can do is listen to our needs and the needs of those we love.

I am grateful for all the people along the way in the past five years, and for all the people who have come and gone throughout my life. This mini-series is of course my perspectives and opinions, you’re allowed to object, challenge, and disagree. In fact, I encourage it. Because I’m sure that in another five years you may be a person that I have learned from too.

Thank you to my brother for being the best big brother there is, and for showing me that life is less about what we do, and more about how we do it.

And to all reading, and to the people along the way - mentioned or not, thank you <3

To another five plus years, Much Love,

Seika Brown.